Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
