You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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