Don't you send me to vm
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
