nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
