do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
