Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
