i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think people are normalizing furries
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
