he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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