This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
