My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
