new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
