Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
