well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
