I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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