I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
In other news, I just burned my penis
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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