i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
