if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
dude i'm inner monologue high
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
