census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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