I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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