you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
