I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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