i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize