I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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