he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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