i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
