i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
