Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
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