I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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