When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
