i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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