we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
