Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
