The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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