I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
