I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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