I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize