I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
