Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So vagazzling was a success
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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