a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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