So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
