was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
