Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
