hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
