guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
