He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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