WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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