Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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