Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My pussy is not your playground.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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