Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
