Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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