There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
