Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
