the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
