Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
