Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize