you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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