whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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