Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
