he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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