I don't usually arrange sex via text message
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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