The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This is my gift to your gina
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
