I got chris browned last night
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
