She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
