When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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