I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
im on a boat
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