I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
