I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
