Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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