my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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