I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
