And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
