boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
