so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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