i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
