no, he came in my armpit
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
