I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
