The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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